| On Being A Misfit |
| Tuesday, 13 November 2007 | |
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When I first became a Christian, fourteen years ago now, I was introduced to a whole new world. People thought differently; they often dressed differently; they listened to different music; and they had a long list of do's and don'ts that incorporated everything from politics to books. I swallowed it all like hot stew on a winter day. I became a clone. And in the process, more than a few close friends and family members spit me out of their lives. Yet over the last decade, I have increasingly--year by year--not known where I fit. I don't resonate with much of the Christian culture around me--though I still love Jesus deeply. I also don't identify with those who live their lives as if Jesus isn't the center of the cosmos. This tension of feeling like I'm in the world and Christendom--but not of it--is overwhelming at times. It raises questions that impact every area of my life. At times, feeling pulled this way and that is paralyzing; at other times I get a lot of joy from exploring new territory. Am I alone in these feelings? Am I alone in this tension? What are your thoughts? Set as favorite Bookmark
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John
As I think you already know, you are definitely not alone in this tension. In the tension between the zaniness of the Christian sub-culture and those whose lives are intensely chaotic for the lack of any spiritual guidance, many days I find my only refuge is found in spending time with my wife and kids. 1 report abuse
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November 13, 2007
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Funny... I just commented on my blog about how Christianity in America is too white. That is, a lot of cultural elements from the larger Anglo-American (and, to a lesser degree, African-American) culture have seeped into it and become confused with it.
It's these cultural elements that we're often encouraged to embrace, rather than true Christianity, which is much harder and more challenging. Rather than surrender our sex lives to God, we're encouraged to publicly commit ourselves to abstinence before marriage; very little is said about sex inside marriage. Rather than surrender our entertainment choices to God, we're encouraged to give up R-rated movies, except for The Passion of the Christ. Lots of times I don't resonate with the Christian culture because it just doesn't reflect true Christianity. And I experience a lot of tension because of it. At work, fr'instance, I was yelled at for playing U2 over the P.A. because it wasn't "Christian music." If someone had thought this through, they'd realize how dumb it was... but there's no thinking involved with Christian culture. Everything either has a Christian stamp on it or it doesn't. Whatever happened to discernment? 2 report abuse
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November 13, 2007
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Funny, I've been writing about being a misfit on my blog recently, so I am interested to see you posting on this.
 Am I alone in these feelings? No, you aren't. I think these feelings are actually pretty common, but we have become so inculturated as Christians (particularly by the Christian media) that we are made to feel "different" if we don't completely buy into what some folks are trying to sell us as the "authentic" Christian life. Am I alone in this tension? Nope. It is a tension to be "in the world and not of it". It is hard to know that people we love don't love the Jesus who is "the center of the cosmos". It is hard to feel entirely comfortable with someone who does, but is also very different from us. What are your thoughts? My thoughts are that if Christians worked as hard at building community as they do an alternative/pop culture, many of these feelings and tensions would not exist. If one has enough money and influence, it is easy to create a culture that can act as an acceptable substitute for the culture-at-large. It is a lot more difficult to develop a community that supports, suffers with, and cares for each other as we mourn our alien-ish-ness in a world/culture that will never be our own. 3 report abuse
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November 13, 2007
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I have experienced this tension - what really has helped me is that I was brought up by two Christians (my parents) who didn't buy into the requirements of Christian culture - or explained at times why it was necessary in certain situations. So therefore I don't doubt myself as much when at odds with christian culture. And I have found Christian friends through life who haven't bought into it either. So take heart that if your kids see you as a genuine authentic follower of Jesus without the need to be imprisoned by Christian culture then this will help them weather this tension.
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November 13, 2007
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from one misfit to another... hi John my name is Sally and I am a misfit, I don't like the whole Christian marketing scene- indeed it makes me sick...
I don't like hierarchical structures they make me want to challenge them! Not that I am reactionary or anything....  I like people outside the church a lot, one of my favourite times in the week is when I sti cross legged on the floor at Shining tree drinking green tea after a tai-chi class.... Shall I go on????  5 report abuse
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November 13, 2007
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I've had similar feelings about not identifying with christians and non christians as well. The way I cope or work past that is by making myself appreciate certain things about the christian bubble or the world and then go from there. There are treausures to be found.
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November 13, 2007
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John,
Great to meet you at the Off the Map conference and glad you have joined the misfit club. When I first came back from the Anastasis people used to tell me I would eventually "settle in" and then I realized that God did not really want me to settle in at all. We will never see the world changed if we settle in to the culture around us. Blessings Christine 7 report abuse
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November 13, 2007
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One neat thing about being an almost-atheist is, I'm not supposed to fit.
So at least I'm not disappointed if I don't ;-) 8 report abuse
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November 13, 2007
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I don't know how to answer you.
I'm perfect. I fit in everywhere. 9 report abuse
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November 13, 2007
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Of course you're not alone. And it's a killer good thing, in my opinion.
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November 13, 2007
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You are SO not alone. I was brought up in the church, but as I grew up, and more so recently, I see the huge difference between what seems like 2 worlds - one within and one without the church. I don't know where I fit. And to be honest it hurts, it really hurts to not feel like I have a place.
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November 14, 2007
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You are certainly not alone. In fact, I'd venture that the tensions you describe are quite widespread, even in what look like fairly mainstream congregations.
Certainly I've never felt "at home" in the church, in part because the anglo-suburban-chino-wearing thing is just not me. I'm not that guy, never have been that guy and it nearly killed me trying to be that guy. But, I wonder if to some extent this tension is simply inevitable. After all, we're all different and any culture that makes some feel at home will alienate others. For whatever reason we seem *all* to be unwilling to give up the potentially controversial elements of the church styles we like (worship, preaching,teaching, partiicpation, whatever). 12 report abuse
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November 14, 2007
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I am currently experiencing "prophet fatigue." I am tired of fighting the system, but on my own, I don't have the ability to pioneer something new. I am angry with God for giving me visions I am prevented from realizing -- I feel I have accomplished nothing except to frustrate myself and annoy others. "Never try to teach a pig to sing…"
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November 14, 2007
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John, I think you are right. This entry put a bug in my head to blog on something Trudy and I are doing as misfits.
Thanks for your insights. John 14 report abuse
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November 14, 2007
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John, I left the pop-Christendom scene somewhere around 1994 after having been very much a part of it. I was involved with the CCM insdustry, was a worship leader, been-there-done-that-and-wore-all-the-T-shirts-to-prove-it kind of guy.
One day, I guess it was partly because I suddenly had my eyes opened to how deceitfully evil the whole thing was, and partly because, as an incurable nonconformist, the tilt signs came up and I was burned out from trying to conform to the image of a Christian that, for the life of me, I couldn't find in the Bible. I hadn't been in a Christian book store in 8 years, and I had to play in one for a CD release party for a friend. I was shocked! The hypocrisy of it all hit me lie a ton of bricks. It was alarming to realize how much our senses become dulled to these things when we are exposed to them daily. It made me more compassionate and understanding of those who remain in the system because they simply know not what they do. I tried getting back into the traditional church thing after that for a while--almost got back into pastoral ministry there, but I realized that I can't serve both God and Mammon. The denomination I was affiliated with was clearly into Mammon worship. It's hard enough fighting that battle in everyday life without becoming subservient to it at church. I 16 report abuse
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November 14, 2007
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John - while I recognise what you describe and the tensions I think it can work on at least two levels. There's the in-church-culture and then there's the wider christian sub-culture.
while here in the uk a in-church-culture exists I don't think we have such a developed christian sub-culture as say in the USA. So it's far more "acceptable" to meet down the pub or go to a gig. There's just not the number or quality of Christian Bands here to sustain a Christian music scene that it viable or attractive. A negative side of this is that for many being a Christian gets reduced to a Sunday thing rather than a way of life. 17 report abuse
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November 14, 2007
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Hello, my fellow misfit brother.
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November 14, 2007
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No, you are not alone. I have no idea where I fit it, and to be honest right now I'm sick of trying to figure it out. Does that make sense?
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November 15, 2007
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As you can tell from your feedback John, I do not think you are alone. In fact, I see a number of followers of The Way seemingly coming out of the closet on this subject at the same time. Myself included.
My own personal belief is that this is a reaction from many of us who have a personal relationship with God to an established church which is very busy telling us that we need to fit in and go along. To not pay attention to what God is telling us, and the benefits that come from not needing to hear from a Pastor or Elder to experience God. It sometimes seems like we are in the minority in the body of Christ. I believe that we are being called to expand our own communities where we share what God can mean one on one with us and then help them grow to maturity. I was reminded yesterday by a dear brother locally that this is not the normal relationship promoted by those 'in spiritual authority.' So, we feel different, even in the 'Christian Community.' But, as shown by all the response here, while we may be alone in our own little geographical areas, we do not have to be alone. Thank you Jesus for the Internet and all the new friends I have made here! 20 report abuse
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November 15, 2007
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There are a lot of us out there, maybe we should have a red nose day to remind us we are not a lone. (You know Rudolph the red nose reindeer)
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November 15, 2007
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jesus was a misfit
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November 15, 2007
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jesus was a misfit
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November 15, 2007
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jon, what is weird is that i never felt at home in christian circles. i always felt like an outsider.
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November 15, 2007
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I agree, but to a point. I think our sense of being a misfit comes from a way deeper issue than ecclesiological mannerisms and hypocrisy. One common thread that I have noticed in the emergent discussions I've come across, is the prevailing sense of loneliness in many of the offerings. When we begin with a point of loneliness as an actual experience, then when we, as lonely individuals, enter into the traditional western church environ, with great desires of having the deep sense of isolation, of being unknown, of being invisible removed, we are let down and dejected by what we find. I have been let down, but the church isn't at fault, my experience is the result of my expectations. Just because my expectations are not met, I cannot discount the fact that other believers are walking away with great encouragement and desire to more fully live out Christ in them. I cannot relate to these people for the most part. Although, I do study them. I listen to their stories. I try to gather snapshots of their background. I have made some observations. Many of them talk about family with great fondness. Childhoods filled with laughter and adventure. Adolescent years feeling connected to their parents and having a sense that mom and dad were looking out for their best. Their stories lack divorce, family strife, addictions, abuse, etc. In short, they don't have a powerful sense of lonleiness like I do, and I would guess that many of the others on this posting do. At some level, many of us feel disconnected, a form of homelessnes; homeless within one's self. I have tried to rid myself of this through involvement in church, it doesn't work. I don't think God designed the church to do this. I think on its best day it can relieve it somewhat, but cure it, naahhh, I've had to give up on that dream. Maybe there is a design and purpose for our negative experience? Maybe it is to call us Home, our Home in Him. Maybe in our deep disatsifaction He is waiting for us to cry out, "Abba, Daddy... I am home!"
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November 16, 2007
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i agree with you jon, and would add that loneliness is universal. at the end of the day, no matter how healthy our relationships are idyllic our childhood, we each have to walk it out alone in our own skin. i wonder if a football stadium filled with people from all walks of life if surveyed would reveal that familiar sense of "i don't fit in."
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November 16, 2007
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Pam,
Yes, loneliness is universal, but I don't believe it is equally experienced by all. Individuals who are raised in nurturing families, don't struggle with the common existential questions of belonging, loneliness, and community. I've held seminars where I survey people from different family backgrounds, and the one's from healthy, nurturing families report a higher level of acceptance of self and others. They aren't walking around or engaging the questions of "is this authentic?" or "is this meaningful?". I wonder why? Because of this, I've been reading / studying Emergent blogs for a while, and I note that we are typically a grouping of people who were hoping that an experience with an organized church community would give us a sense of belonging, understanding and purpose.We have been gravely let down, and this is one reason why the Emergent community is becoming more prevalent (my opinion). When reading further in many posts I realized that we are a gathering of hurting, broken, and disoriented Believers who have become disenchanted because our typical church experience at some level mirrored our family of origin (disconnected, abusive, controlling, inauthentic, etc). I even become concerned with our Emergent discussion because it tends to lead back to being "Emergent" rather than wholly being "Abba's". I would like to re-define "Emergent" as the process of emerging through the shell of our neurosis and defense mechanisms and landing completely in the Trust, Life & Will of the Abba of Jesus. Just some thoughts... 27 report abuse
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November 16, 2007
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Hi John, i wrote awhile back about celebrating stuckness, as its only when we are stuck that we learn. I think you're right it creates a tension and for most of that time we snap back into our comfort zones rather than have to work through the pain of new and old ways to reframe our faith.
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November 18, 2007
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Brad B,
It is good not to be alone. Thanks for being a fellow misfit. 29 report abuse
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November 18, 2007
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K.W. Leslie,
I struggle with the lack of thinking in Christian culture as well. We have failed to look into the mirror and think through our beliefs and actions often enough. 30 report abuse
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November 18, 2007
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Lainie,
Really helpful thoughts. I hadn't seen you had posted on this yet. I have to catch up on my feeds! 31 report abuse
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November 18, 2007
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Megan,
You have two great parents who are so real, and you have certainly followed suit. I appreciate you raising the parenting aspect of this. 32 report abuse
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November 18, 2007
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Sally,
Is your name also John Smulo? 33 report abuse
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November 18, 2007
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Carl,
I agree, there is lots to appreciate there. 34 report abuse
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November 18, 2007
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Hey, John. (I'm back blogging again, therefore that includes reading, btw--so of COURSE had to stop by the world famous SmuloSpace-lol).
I SO relate to what you shared. I cloned too...fell into the lock step...almost lost myself in the process... It's so hard not to, especially once you throw God's name into the mix. I feel like this last year has been very healing, in that sense of finding my God-made self again...as has being "out of the ministry" (since May--woohoo!). There is this wish that I could be in a church that was more of a Mother...that's probably what draws me to Catholicism and Orthodoxy more than anything else, that sense of being enveloped in something greater than myself, in a Mother-ish sort of way. As it is, I feel very much a misfit in Protestantism. And then again, I wonder if this feeling of loneliness is just part of being a leader-type, as well as being part of our humanity in general. Meaning, it's *supposed* to not feel quite right on this earth, because this earth is "bent" as CS Lewis so aptly put it. And is that recognition supposed to cause us to fall even more firmly into the arms of Yahweh, where we have our Home? I dunno...rambling, as usual. Thanks for the thoughts. 35 report abuse
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November 21, 2007
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Molleth,
It is so good to hear from you! Its about time you're blogging again. I'm so jealous about this and that and that and this :-) 36 report abuse
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November 21, 2007
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John, methinks you are in the absolute most safest place, being in but not of *both* the world *and* Christendom. Especially Christendom. Much more dangerous being in that, than being in the world.
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November 24, 2007
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John,
There are some of us who don't seem to fit in anywhere, except with other misfits! FuturistGuy, has coined the term "interpolator" for some of us...and, if you remember your "Young Frankenstein", you'll know that my "virtual" name is related to being, well, abi-normal ...and I now have that little song running around in my head..."why am I such a misfit...I am not just a nitwit..." Yes, Rudolph, indeed!38 report abuse
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November 30, 2007
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