| I Hurt Myself |
| Wednesday, 19 March 2008 | |
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There seems like so many ways to do this. There are ultimate ways, such as:
We often focus on loving others, but what does the converse of self-harm look like--self-love? Let me know what you think:
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I just finished watching the riveting series on VH1, Celebrity Rehab with Dr Drew. It was very insightful about the various reasons people over medicate themselves to the point of destructive addictive behavior.
When does self-medicating cross the line? Don't we all self-medicate in various ways to cope with the grief and pain of inevitable woundedness that life hurls at each one of us? Years ago I had an interesting conversation with a mature pastor's wife about drugs. She wondered if God in his mercy provided this kinds of plants (marijuana, opiates, cocoa, etc...) knowing that these substances, harmful as they may be, would provide much needed relief for many people on the journey of life. Her remarks were very provocative and I did know if I could agree with her. Until I met Dana. A 30'ish woman who grew up in horrendeous childhood sexual and physical abuse. She was a cocaine addict by her early 20's. Dana told me, "Cocaine saved my life." Even though the addiction destroyed her life in many ways, she said that because cocaine numbed her pain she was able to stand off the temptation of suicide from her deep-seated self-hatred. Coke was not good for her, she eventually ended up in rehab and then became a drug counselor, but for a period of time in her life cocaine medicated her to the point of keeping her from taking her self out of the game. I know people who use alcohol, admittedly, for self-medicating. When does it become problematic? I don't know. I guess each person has to sort this one out. Food, television, books, academia, blogging, we are each expert at finding a way(s) to deal with the dead weight we carry around inside. I went to four funerals last summer. I am still recovering from tremendous grief, loss that I am still reeling from with disbelief, mourning and at times anger. How do I medicate? All kinds of ways. Some of them are healthy, like prayer, most of them are not, like vodka. This is a unique season in my life, unprecedented. And sometimes, quite honestly, a little self-medicating from numbing out the overwhelming rushes of pain that hit me like tsunami waves is better than being crushed by it. As for cutting, I've known girls and women who cut. It is a frightening behavior. But if that helps them bleed out some of their inner anguish so it does not swallow them whole, then maybe those self-destructive releases are actually short-term solutions to aborting total self-destruction, like suicide. I am not for one second saying that self-mutilation is ok. Every girl I've known who does it lives with a lot of shame and scarring on her body and emotions. But They Are Alive. Scarred, but Alive. (so John, you wait 17 days to come back on line and this is what you want to talk about. How are you doing? Are you hitting a rough patch?) 1 report abuse
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March 19, 2008
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I think God designed us to live in relationship with Him. This wasn't out of meanness or selfishness; it simply was how He designed us and it was in our best interest - given that He is God and all. So, we are most harmful to ourselves when we choose our own way - when we make ourselves God. This can be done in any variety of ways, many of which people might call self-love, but in the end they are all harmful.
The only true self love is to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and mind. As we do this His love enables us to love ourselves and others with the same kind of love as His own. A selfless, cross-bearing kind of love that always builds up, always perseveres, always hopes, always is kind, always is gentle, always is true. Practically speaking, I know I deal with self-hatred on a daily basis. I overeat, overreact, over defend, over caffeinate, over sensitize, etc. I often find myself seeking what I think will be easiest rather than seeking what God gives me as the best for me. I often listen to my own voice (the voice that says "take it easy," "eat that extra biscuit," "take a position of influence," "they should respect you more," etc., rather than listening to His voice of comfort, care, love, mercy and perfect direction. 2 report abuse
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March 19, 2008
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What criteria do you use for discerning when an action, or inaction, is self-harm?
Well, professionally, it is when there is decreased functioning, or excessive distress. The basic rule for addiction is feeling the need to justify (argue your right to) using whatever your 'drug' of choice is. Which can be food, shopping, gambling, pornography, etc. When I use something to hide from feelings I am having, then it is likely self-harm since I am not doing it to better myself or for recreational enjoyment. When I get depressed I sleep a lot. It is hard to say that it is harmful but it really affects how much I stay in relationship with others; I tend to isolate as well. It probably isn't too good for my health either, slows down my motabolism and makes me gain weight, eww. How do you love yourself? I try to remember that my value comes from God accepting me wholly rather than my performance. But, this isn't always easy or enough. I try to take time to relax with friends and I go fishing to remind me that the world is a big place and not to be too serious all the time. Also, I like to learn. So, I feel like I am loving myself when I seek out educational opportunities. What are some of the ways people self-harm that you've seen or experienced? Clients harm themselves in a variety of ways. The most common way I see is self-loathing, for not being a better christian. Many people will go overboard volunteering, going to studies, praying, reading, etc. in order to make themselves feel better. It doesn't work. I have clients that drink, smoke crack, overeat, use pornography, smoke pot, and cut, and it just ads to their self-imposed guilt. It is kinda like we punish ourselves for feeling bad. 3 report abuse
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March 19, 2008
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so where exactly does the bible say that to kill oneself is wrong?
and where exactly does it say that to use substances to make your passage through life a little less painful wrong? doesn't the bible tell us to give a little wine to the one who is downcast? how much of this is western-american culture combined with the evangelical manichian material/spiritual dichotomism? 4 report abuse
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March 19, 2008
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Pam - good words. Very good.
I've always despised how most jesus followers were critical of various addictions. And how they were critical of SOME addictions (drugs, alcohol, etc) but not others (food, petty self pleasures, etc). Nine years ago I got to know a homeless guy who made me realize that I was no different than him. He hit the streets with a bottle after losing not one, but two wives (one to illness, the other to an accident). I have no idea what I'd do if I came home to discover my wife and/or kids died. I don't know if I'd hit the streets with a bottle and/or if someone would stop me. Sorry I didn't answer your questions John. But...good topic. 5 report abuse
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March 20, 2008
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http://web.mac.com/wwolfejr/HT...IX.html#30
Hopefully this comes through as a hyperlink. This is an arm (both arms look the same way) of a homeless Ukrainian girl--a prostitute since she was 9, who began cutting herself last year after her baby brother received a 4 year prison sentence or stealing a cell phone. The greatest tragedy is that many cops there are the leaders of theft rings who use these kids to steal for them, so the kids can't go to the authorities for help when forced to steal, prostitute themselves or sell drugs, because the authorities are the pimps, pushers, etc. Come to think of it, if I were this girl, I would have probably done something worse that to cut myself at this point. The good new is that now that the drop-in center is back in business, this girl's life had turned around (all since Sept of last year). She comes to church at the center, attends Bible studies and volunteers at the center. Unfortunately there are still hundreds of thousands of kids, as desperate as she was last fall, who are still out there fighting for survival. 6 report abuse
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March 20, 2008
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mike, you totally ask some great questions!
agent b, thanks. yea, we really don't know our threshold for pain until we're pushed over it. 7 report abuse
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March 20, 2008
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Pam,
I always love reading what you write. You're so down to earth and compassionate. I really appreciate that about you. I think we all self-medicate in different ways too. Coping with pain and stress is so hard to do. And I think there are so many ways to escape or medicate our way out of it. I have my ways. I'm sure you have yours. I kinda laughed when I read what you've said about me blogging about this after not blogging for awhile. Like you, I've had a hell of a year--actually more than a year now. I'm doing better than I was. But still life is hard. I'm trying to focus on the good and not only the bad--I'm a pro at focusing on the bad. 8 report abuse
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March 20, 2008
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Bryan,
Thanks for your thoughts. 9 report abuse
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March 20, 2008
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Elaine,
It's good to hear your thoughts on this. I wonder if you ever think that, kind of as Pam was saying, that self-harm to some extent in the short-term might be helpful in the bigger picture for the long-term? 10 report abuse
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March 20, 2008
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Mike,
I don't think the Bible says those things explicitly, though perhaps implicitly. But I think Pam is definitely onto something in looking at the complexity of why we do what we do. What do you think about this stuff? 11 report abuse
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March 20, 2008
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Agent B,
Thanks for your thoughts. I think God sees why we do what we do. Your story of the homeless guy reminded me that we need to see why we do what we do as well. I think that often what we do to cope with pain is only a symptom of the problem, not the problem itself. 12 report abuse
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March 20, 2008
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Webb,
It kills me to hear stories like that. So glad to hear she's doing better. 13 report abuse
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March 20, 2008
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What criteria do you use for discerning when an action, or inaction, is self-harm?
As has been previously said, every person has their own way of coping with things. For some it's alcohol or drugs, for others it's sitting glued to the tv or surfing online for hours. These are all ways of closing out others and trying to conceal what's really happening inside of you. Coping is what matters. Survival is what matters. In the heat of the moment, it doesn't matter what current and possible harm it can do to you, it's just about making it to the next moment, day or week. How do you love yourself? Still working on that one.... What are some of the ways people self-harm that you've seen or experienced? I believe that people are blind to many things that people do to cope with life. Self-harm doesn't have to mean the drugs, drinking and even the over-eating. It's harmful for people to even contain what it is they are feeling. When I find myself struggling to cope with things, I automatically close up and continue to pretend that everything is just fine in my life. No one notices because there are no larger symptoms of that. I know it's harmful to me because by containing those feelings and thoughts, my thought life only goes downhill in terms of what I think about myself. For those who may think that they know me quite well, they may notice if I'm a little more quiet than usual or talk about different things than usual, but that's about it. The thing is, I've coped and survived using this method for so long, that it's natural for me to conceal myself as soon as something negative happens in my life. It's not always the obvious things that are harmful to people. I haven't met many people in my life who are aware and even care about what others do to make it through the day. What matters to most is that they don't have to deal with another person's problems. They like to pretend that everything is fine with the other person. This in itself contributes to the whole idea of self-harm I believe. When there's no one to really care or notice, then it's easier to keep on with the self-harm because that's the only way to cope and survive. 14 report abuse
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March 21, 2008
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I wonder if you ever think that, kind of as Pam was saying, that self-harm to some extent in the short-term might be helpful in the bigger picture for the long-term?
John, I talked with a coworker about this and even though we both had an immediate response of 'yes, it is better to be cut than dead' we also had to agree with Pam, above, that cutting is not the answer. I believe that self-harm choices are just one type of coping skill. Some may become workaholics, or volunteer aid for someone 'worse off' than they. Most cutters are not suicidal, just in an extreme amount of pain and cutting relieves them of some of that pain. The physical pain caused by cutting distracts them from emotional pain that they cannot fix. Unfortunately, cutting is discrete, and excessive drinking or abusing drugs are definitely 'not christian' and harder to hide. These things are predominately driven by low-self esteem issues that can be caused by situational stressors. Others may have biological depression, most don't want to try meds, it makes them feel like there is really something wrong with them. It is all very sad. 15 report abuse
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March 21, 2008
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I'll admit this up front: I'm a cutter. Thus, it's quite easy for me to determine what is self-harming. As for the ethics of it, I know it is wrong and maladaptive. However, that doesn't stop me. My life is overwhelming and my mind/heart/soul can only take so much. If I can "bleed off" the extremes of emotional turmoil that I am suffering, I will.
I started cutting as a short-term solution but it is turning into a long-term problem. I think that is the seductive nature of many forms of self-harm. Too often the short-term benefits outweigh the long-term costs and what starts out as a coping mechanism becomes a way of life. Elaine, I disagree that cutting is more discrete. It is very difficult to hide fresh wounds and explain scars. I also think I would be judged less by my church if I were a drug addict or an alcoholic than if they were to find out I cut myself. 16 report abuse
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March 22, 2008
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Emma,
I should have qualified my statements by stating they are regarding clients I have worked with (or read about). I am surprised when I find out that someone is cutting because they usually hide it so well. There have been some that want others to see, teenagers, that cut on their knuckles/forearms and don't try to hide it. I did not want to give the impression that it is easy to hide, just easier than other addictions. Wearing long sleeves (even in hot weather) might be easier than explainig a DUI. Unfortunately, it has to be treated like other addictions that have become a means of coping. And people in the church really don't understand addictive behavior. So, they probably would really just be confused by the idea of self-inflicted pain, where they understand the idea of masking emotions with drugs/alcohol. It is the depth of inner pain that drives us to these places. But there are effective treatments for traumatic/painful memories/thoughts, not easy, but effective. I've seen treatments like EMDR work well for many people. It is a secular treatment but if it works, who cares! 17 report abuse
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March 22, 2008
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Very interesting question and great comments. I have been hurting myself all my life but the thing that is more dangerous to me than drugs, alchohol, unsafe sex, smoking - is listening to the ugly things I hear in my own head and believing they are true.
I've counseled girls who were cutters, its a sad but fascinating form of coping with life. 18 report abuse
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March 22, 2008
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